Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
