Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize