So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
