Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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