I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
