i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
