I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
