yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
