I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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