How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
