I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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