If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
