I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
