"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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