Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
