The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You ruined the universe
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
