I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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