that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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