You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
