Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
All I want is dick and wine.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
