How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
