Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
