The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
