I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
