Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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