the new term for farting is butt boxing.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
