I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
