Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
