Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
