Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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