Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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