i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
