my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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