We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
