i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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