I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize