At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
