walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
