I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I checked into jail on foursquare
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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