Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
