she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize