adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I came so hard my ears popped.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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