dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
