my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
