i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I think my moral compass just broke
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
