Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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