are you still at the devil's house?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
