So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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