hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
