apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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