I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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