There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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