just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
