I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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