I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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