I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
