What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
