I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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