I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Come see our sink grown plant.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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