what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
