I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
