I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
