i just had sex bonerless
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
