i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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